How To Become An Expert

Has anyone else noticed that there are a lot of “experts” these days? Experts in everything, television news quote the opinions of experts every day. We sit, slouching back on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, chowing down a Pepsi and some Roasted Chicken potato chips and dip, watching the late news and sucking back whatever the “experts” have to say, with a big juicy, slurpy suck, the same way we suck back our pop and chips.

Personally I think you and I can blame a lot of our problems on experts. Experts have a good deal of influence over us because, well they are experts and therefore their opinion must be important. If the expert turns out to be less than smart, a lot of things can go wrong.

The blogging world is packed full of experts on just about everything, including blogging itself. There are a lot of ‘making money from blogging experts, most of whom are writing about how to make money with Adsense, or how to make money as an affiliate of one program or another, even though they haven’t made any money from any of them.

The criteria for being classed as an “expert” is variable and hard to put a finger on. It can be education, training, or experience that enables someone to become an expert, or it can be a willingness to go on television and be broadcast to the world, providing your opinion….errr…expert opinion…..It can be as simple as being introduced as an expert by someone else.

That’s the thing about experts, it is entirely feasible for people to attain the Expert designation, yet be far from expert. People are quite willing to accept that experts have differing ideas and experiences, which means experts are never wrong, they just have differing expert opinions. It’s foolproof.

In my worklife I met a lot of “experts”…a lot….the place was full of them, and if we couldn’t find one internally, which oddly enough was frequently, we went out and contracted an expert to come in and be an expert for us. Never a problem to find some, because the world dear reader, is chock-a-block full of out-of-work-looking-for-work-experts, and when you hire them to be your expert, they use the fact that you hired them to convince others that they are real experts because…well it’s obvious, you hired them, and you only hire experts.

The rest of the people I met who were introduced or described as experts generally turned out to be either clowns, charletons, snake oil sales reps, or just plain old bozos who convinced other bozos of their expertness. That’s the thing about experts, if they are experts at anything, it is convincing others that they are indeed, experts, the only experts you will ever need. They are also expert at getting hired and then moving on to another organization before they are uncovered as not experts. I’ve heard some organizations are hiring experts to weed out the bad experts.

Expert jobs are usually pretty lucrative, and the more expert you are, the more you can charge to provide your expertise. It’s a worthy profession, when was the last time you heard of an expert getting fired, blamed for anything, depressed, laid off, or committing suicide…c’mon, I have never heard the serious looking news reporter say “A noted expert passed away suddenly at home today under suspicious circumstances” It just doesn’t happen, not to experts.

One sure way to be an expert is to write a book. Not just any book, an expert book. For example, spend about 9 hours baking in the sun without a hat or sunscreen, don’t drink any fluids or eat anything, have a ‘vision’ or two and then write a book about some new way of doing something, like running a multi million dollar company. Don’t sleep for forty days or at least until you have finished writing your book, it will make the last few chapters much easier.

Don’t worry about accuracy, or wonder if your idea will work, worry about if it will fly. As long as you write with authority and dream big it will fly, the more outlandish the better, people love outlandish stuff. If you can pretend to be a ‘colorful character’ at the same time, you are seconds away from becoming an expert, start dressing a little eccentric, and who knows, you might obtain the status of “Noted” expert which is way, way better than just ‘expert’.

Pay attention to the first chapter of your book, which is the hook, This is where you describe the problem, and clearly indicate that every organization has the same problem, whatever it is, and how you, as an expert, have solved it, and in your book you will provide the answers your readers not only want, but need.

For those who say that their particular organization doesn’t have the problem you describe, that’s easy, merely indicate that this problem is so insidious , most organizations do not even realize the problem exists until it is too late, then even a team of experts and a surgeon cannot save them.

In that first chapter, alude to how your idea is revolutionizing whatever it is your are writing about, without saying it actually is, or telling how it is revolutionizing it. If you have managed to get hired as an expert, make sure you mention that in your first chapter, and all over the dust jacket.

Add some confusing pie charts and graphs to the middle chapters and a chapter with lots of photos of you, perhaps enjoying an afternoon on your pontoon boat, or attending a meeting, or just posing with your book. It’s always helpful if you can add a photo of you as a child, make that one a black and white photo.

The last chapter should have some bullet points rehashing your expert idea. The rest can be recipes for blueberry muffins and stuffed haddock, nobody will read those chapters anyway. They will read the first, describing how good an idea you have, then look at the nice pictures in the middle, flip over the charts and graphs and look at the bullet points in the last chapter.

On the last page mention that you do consulting work and include your contact info and your daily consulting fee, which should be more than substantial, it should be mind boggling, after all, you are an expert and everyone knows, if you want an expert, you have to pay big. Don’t forget to say, “Plus Expenses” when you indicate your daily consulting fee. That is where the big money is….

Got that done? Good, go to an online print publisher, and pay to have your book published. Buy a few hard copies, hand out a few autographed copies, tell everyone they are selling like pan fried haddock on Fridays in the food court, which is why they won’t find a copy of your expert book in bookstores, it’s obviously sold out…they will have to wait for the second printing to buy a copy.

You are now well on your way to becoming an expert. Really only one more thing to do, move to another province, state or country. This is key, and really puts you over the top and assures everyone you must certainly be an expert, because nobody listens to an expert in their hometown. I am not sure you can officially be an expert in your hometown. Oh sure, you can be someone folks think is knowledgable, but expert….nawww…they will say, “Don’t believe him, that’s just Billy from over on River Road.” But if you are from away, and nobody knows you, well, the world is your oyster.

There ya go, quit your day job, you are on your way to becoming an expert.

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4 thoughts on “How To Become An Expert”

  1. This sounds like the stuff that goes on around my workplace. Management are always hiring an expert to tell us how to do our jobs better, or differently. It seldom works, but I think management training these days dictates that you are supposed to bring in expert consultants all the time to keep new ideas coming. Most of the time their “new ideas” are just old ideas with a different name.