For one thing, I typically leave my Christmas shopping until the last minute, I mean the 24th of December. What can I say, I like pressure, I work better under pressure. And from the number of confused, desperate looking, forlorn, middle aged guys like me in the shopping mall on the 24th, I am not alone.
But this year, being retired and all, with lots of time on my hands, and my little inner voice saying to me, “Better get shopping for Wendy Rob, don’t have another fiasco like last year, and the year before.” So I thought I would get a jump on things, get out and get-er-done. I jumped in the Dodge Caravan this afternoon and headed to the stores.
Shopping for woman, holiday shopping for women, Christmas shopping is one of those things that is never easy for most men. I say “most men” because there are some amongst us who are good at shopping for women. Not sure why exactly, but it comes down to a couple of things, 1. they can afford to spend oodles of money, so they buy jewelry, always a good bet for a Christmas present for your wife, or 2.they are….well…shall we say, somewhat….um….well the type of man who is not only a good shopper, they are good interior decorators…that sort of thing. But for me, shopping for wife is never an easy thing…never…..unless of course I buy jewelry…..
The First Stop
The first store on the list of places to shop for a woman was…you guessed it, Canadian Tire….well that didn’t go well. I got a glimpse of the shop vacs and remembered the year I bought Wendy that super nice 5 gallon shop vac for Christmas…..bad idea….a worse idea was the next year when I bought her the accessories for it….
My Little Inner Voice
So after perusing the sports department and the hardware aisle, then automotive, my hard working little voice kept saying, “Get out of here, this isn’t the place for you today man.” Although I did see a nice telescopic sight for my Crosman air rifle…..and a great looking pair of workboots…
I listened. In fact, I asked my little voice where would be a good place to shop for a woman, and sure enough, it came up with three little words, Shoppers Drug Mart. Right across the street from Canadian Tire, how convenient. It’s almost like my little voice can see.
The Next Stop
Yup, well a stroll through Shoppers didn’t work out as planned either. Apparently my little voice is no smarter than me. Yeah, they have cosmetics and perfume and lot’s of womanly stuff, and even some other scents, of a more cottagey flavor, but….well….I just couldn’t decide between a nice musk and a spray can of Muskoil fly repellant.
The musk was nice, but the Muskoil, well it brought back memories of fishing, I stood in the store holding the bottle for a few minutes remembering how much I love that smell and how much it reminds me of the cottage, and fishing…..and it is a type of “musk” I mean, c’mon, it’s practically the same thing.
Christmas Greeting Cards
I looked at the greeting cards, and then decided that they were cheaper at the Dollar Store, so I decided maybe I would pop over to the Dollar Store which I have since found out has closed and been replaced by the $2.99 Store or something, but the cards there, well let’s just say they were picked over…..
So…..I looked at my watch, 2:45, I’d been at this shopping for almost an 90 minutes. I remembered the Newhart Show was coming on the Comedy Channel at 3:00. I made an executive decision, I can make those now that I am retired, and I was alone…I decided to go home, watch Newhart and regroup. Maybe make a list. Put my mind into this, decide what I want to buy, where to buy it, and then go get it, “man fashion.”
This Isn’t Easy
Shopping for women is not easy. It’s tough to get something she will like, but, still be useful if she doesn’t. It’s also tough to buy stuff that I can use if she doesn’t. So that pretty much takes clothes and shoes off the list, unless of course you are one of those guys who likes to wear womens clothes or shoes…not that there is anything wrong with that…..
Lingerie and Sexy Stuff
Stockings and undies and all that kinda feminine womanly stuff, well, that’s more for online shopping…you know anonymously, so there is no danger of a shop girl offering to assist and asking your wife’s size. That….never-ever-ever goes well….even if you say, “She is exactly like you….” which I do not recommend you say.
Sexy underwear, exotic lingerie….yeah well….I realize that stuff is the top seller at this time of year. However, I’ve been there done that, got the t-shirt and matching ball cap, it’s always the same, men running around intimates and sexy lingerie shops, feeling the satiny silky femininny skimpy things, smiling as they hold a camisole up to the light and realize it is transparent, and that it comes with a garter belt and matching stockings…..
They wink at the other guys in the store, confidently, nodding, saying without words, “My wife wears this stuff all the time…she’s a hottie.”
Yup….that’s what they do…and then their wife puts it in the drawer with all the other satiny, silky, feminny, skimpy things from past Christmas’s and that’s that….besides, a good pair of heavy duty suspenders will hold up stockings better than a garter belt anyday…..
Fortunately, my lovely, beautiful wife doesn’t need that stuff to be sexy, she is already sexy…everyday…in everyway….(Whew! Got myself safely out of that one)
Future Shopping Plans
Perhaps tonight I will make a run up the street to Mark’s Work Warehouse, I’ve done pretty good there on previous years, and if you don’t mind the buttons on the opposite side, some of their women’s shirts make pretty good camp shirts for men, in the event it is the wrong size or she doesn’t like that particular plaid pattern in flannel.
Some other things that are off the women’s shopping list, a compass, even if she is outdoorsy, a hat, you cannot buy a hat for a woman, pets…a real no no, even if the little rabbit dog puppy does look really cute in the pet store and the sign says he will be “ready to go for Christmas” Snow boots….not a good idea, they like high heel boots, not muklucks…or insulated rubber bottom shoe pacs, even if the insulation is goretex.
Wanna Go Fishing?
A new fishing rod is always a good idea, especially if your girl, like mine, likes to fish. I got her one last year, might be kind of soon to repeat that….
Gift Cards That’s the Answer!
Gift cards are out. That is all there is to it. A woman, particularly my woman, likes me to use my head, buy something she will like, be creative, put some thought into it. A gift card is a bit of a boo-boo in that regard, although I’ve noticed she still uses them….
However……in that respect, a gift card for a tattoo might be cool….nah…I doubt that I will get her to go to Freddies Intimate Tattoo and Piercing Shoppe, located down by the docks on Water Street, to get “I Love Rob” tattooed on her butt….even if I pay for it.
Maybe I could get “I Love Wendy“ tattooed on my butt…that would be a cool present….I get the tattoo, suck up the pain in the name of love, and she will love the sentiment….simply love it….although, who is going to see a tattoo on a 51 year old man’s ass, except maybe his proctologist, and somehow I don’t think he would appreciate the sentiment the same way…..besides, I am afraid of needles and I’m afraid of Freddie from Freddie’s Intimate Tattoo and Piercing Shoppe on Water Street.
A Perfect Purse
I know she wants a new purse, and that is good news for guys, women always like a new purse….I looked in the leather accessory shop in the mall, but they all looked too small to me, so I checked out the bags at Canadian Tire, they had one in Sporting Goods with back straps and an aluminum frame, that I almost bought her, but it was made from a blend of nylon/gortex/spandex, and other hi-tech stuff, not leather….I put it down, then picked it up, reconsidering…it was a camo color…I figured that would go with anything…the perfect woman accessory….nah….But not being positive, I called my daughter and asked her opinion, even sent her a pic of the purse over the phone….she is still laughing…I put it back down…..
Shopping for women is tiring, so I had a little nap while I was working out my list. Then an episode of Night Court came on, I haven’t seen that show in years….got kind of caught up in the plot…..napped again……Now it’s almost time for supper….I guess my shopping will have to wait until tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. It’s only the 16th, I’ve got 7 1/2 more days to shop, plenty of time….and I really haven’t given up on the camo purse, perhaps the picture just didn’t do it justice.
It’s not easy buying for the girl who has everything already. Let’s face it, she’s got me, that makes everyday almost as happy as Christmas Day, Ho Ho Ho !
If all else fails, the last time I checked, Amazon
has something in the vincinity of 94,306,956 products for sale….surely I can find something there…..shopping from my computer desk….gotta love that….I wonder if they have camo purses….
© 2010 – 2012, Rob Dares. All rights reserved. Cottager Online/The Cottage Chronicles / Rob Dares material is copyrighted, please contact me if you wish to inquire about reposting etc All prices quoted for products are subject to change, customer is responsible to confirm price with seller.